The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

You're damn right I'm an angry infertile. I am sick of the injustices of this "disease." I am sick of being a "victim." I am sick of seeing my sisters fall victim to this disease and listening to their stories and their pain.So if you're out there, this is for you:

Items listed in BOLD are things I'm "guilty" of doing.

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen

If you know what a cootercam is (AKA A Dildo cam:)

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!" (ALL THE TIME)

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC

If you know what an RE is

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case

If you can't wait to see the peak symbol

If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

I stole this from someone else's blog, since I felt like I was guilty of/had experienced so many of the above statements! TTC are Crazy times, friends. Crazy times.

Normal = FRUSTRATING

Well, internet, I don't have a clotting disorder. While under normal circumstances this would be a good thing, I was actually hoping that there would be a REASON, you know? Not that I was looking forward to giving myself shots every day, but I was looking forward to maybe having an answer to why this keeps happenening to us. But, nope.

What happens now, you ask? Well, we try on our own again. I asked the nurse how long and she asked me how long we had tried the last time. ALMOST A YEAR. She then said that we should try for three months and then foll0w-up. Ok, three months I can handle. More than that, not so much.

As of right now we're just waiting it out so that we can start tracking again. I'm on day 52 since the 2nd miscarriage. It's crazy to know that in just 18 days, it will have been TEN weeks. That's right, TEN WEEKS. So right now we're sitting at about 7 1/2 weeks since. It feels like forever. But I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays, Internet! I know I've been putting off putting more pictures in the blog, but I think I'm going to load them all into a photo website and maybe just post the link? I'm not sure. Anyway, no real updates here! I got put on a new project at work, which will mean 50/50 time on two teams. I'm pretty excited about it though, because it will give me everything that I was looking to work on!

Test results have not come back, and I'm not really anticipating them until after the holidays. Maybe the first week of January? I just want them back so we can get on with things already. Geez.

I got my necklace! I really like it. I'm wearing it right now!

I'm at work right now, but I'm probably going to leave early, which is nice. I'm not sure what we're doing tonight, but Fred and I will open presents together at home tomorrow morning, then we'll head up to Forest Lake to spend some time with my mom and brother. Then, I have to work on Friday and then we head up to Hibbing for the weekend. I will be home at a decent time on Sunday because I really want to get together with my friends from hs, since Jill will be in town!

I hope everyone has Happy Holidays and safe travels! I will leave you with this:

Costa Rica Pictures! (Part 1)

These little guys are called Coatis. They're pretty cute. I think they're from the same family as racoons - we saw one digging through the garbage behind a building!

Fred and I before the zipline!

Arriving on the other side of a 2,000 foot zipline! No lie - I was freaked out.

Fred taking video at the hanging bridges.


La Fortuna Waterfall!

Another Day, Another Blood Draw

For starters, Douchy Old Lady was back! She was equally confrontational about my labs, since I didn't physically have the slip with me (a slip I never received, thank you very much). I wanted to scream at her "READ THE EFFING CHART, YOU DOUCHY OLD LADY", but it was 8 AM and I was still kind of tired. She called my Dr. and finally gave in when she realized that this wasn't just Thursday morning fun for me.

Her blood drawing style was MUCH better than last time - it didn't even hurt! *Note to self - do not visit Douchy Old Lady in the afternoons*

Unfortunately, they took TONS of blood from me! I'm talking 7-9 vials of blood! I started getting dizzy, hot, and then my hearing started to go. She also told me later that I got really pale. Not a good sign for us Latinas. When it was over, I sat for about 20 minutes and DOL went and got me some juice, which was actually nice of her. Then she also had someone come and take my blood pressure because she was concerned. Touching, really. Maybe DOL has some hope after all.

Lab results probably won't be back for another 2 weeks, but I'll keep you posted!

On a side note, I'm trying to get the computer to upload our Costa Rica pictures, so you may get 2 posts in one day - Hooray for all of you!

Decided I Needed Something

I got this on Etsy.com. I really like it.

The HOPE infertility pendant

Description

The HOPE Infertility Pendant Necklace was made to signify the struggle of infertility. Pomegranates, a long-standing symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in color and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. The seeds also represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, infertility treatments such as IVF, adoption, third-party reproduction, or choosing to live child-free. This pomegranate-inspired pendant is made out of hand-tinted resin with tiny seed beads and round red balls embedded inside. The word "hope" is engraved onto the back. Let this beautiful pendant remind you to always keep hope in your heart as you go through your journey to build your family. The components of this pendant are a sterling silver cup filled with tinted red resin. The resin is slightly domed, it is not flat. The pendant measures 25mm (just under one inch) in diameter.

The back of it is engraved with the word: "hope"

I Want to Move to Costa Rica!!!!!!

Costa Rica = Best Time Ever!

We had a great time in Costa Rica!!! We did and saw so much! It's a beautiful country and today Ruth and I were talking about moving there and sell jewelry on the street. It's a sound plan if you ask me.

Here is what we did! I will post pictures from each day once I load them!

DAY ONE - SATURDAY:
Arrived in Costa Rica!
Went straight to hotel by airport (Best Western?)
Had dinner there - typical Costa Rican Arroz con Pollo, YUM

DAY TWO - SUNDAY:
Drove to our hotel, Tabacon, about a 3 hour drive away. Lots of twisty, windy roads full of potholes!
Arrived at Tabacon and had lunch
HOT SPRINGS! They were awesome - hot water (like a hot bath or hot tub), waterfalls, slide
Dinner at buffet at resort

DAY THREE - MONDAY:
Went into La Fortuna for lunch at a typical Costa Rican place - open air restaurant with typical foods
We were going to just "stop by" the La Fortuna waterfall, but it turns out you can't just do that! It's a drive up a windy dirt road FULL of potholes!!! Then, you get to the waterfall and have to hike down to see it, which is basically a 85 degree angle down. But it was worth it!
We also went to the Arenal Hanging Bridges, which are suspension bridges in the jungle. It was really pretty, even if we didn't get to see much wildlife! It started getting dark, which made it a little creepy, especially when we found out the next day that the jungles have Jaguars!
Went to the Hot Springs again
Dinner at the resort's fancy restaurant

DAY FOUR - TUESDAY:
We had stopped at the supermercado (grocery store) and bought little breakfast snacks, so we just had that before going to...
The Zip Line! We took a sky tram up to the top of a mountain. Beautiful views all around! Then, we did two practice zip lines, which were only about 20 and 40 feet each - no problem. Then, we did the real thing, which was about 2,000 meters, which is about 6,562 feet. PLUS, we were about 600 feet above the ground, so it was pretty scary! I spent the time just praying to God to keep me safe. I'm not usually that type, so that should tell you something about how freaked out I was.
We then went through a mini-butterfly garden on the grounds and also had chicken empanadas for lunch.
We got back to the hotel and went to... you guessed it - the Hot Springs!
For dinner, we went back into La Fortuna and had dinner there, which was tasty.

DAY FIVE - WEDNESDAY:
We had room service for breakfast bright and early and they even wheeled in a little table! We had a typical Costa Rican breakfast with rice and beans and eggs and fried plantains.
We then went to the Hot Springs one last time before leaving to pick my brother up at the airport.
On our way to the airport we got held up in the middle of the road twice - once when a group of Coatis (like racoons, I guess is the closest comparison) and then again when a cow was attacking some guy on the side of the road to protect its baby.
We made it to the airport, though, and picked up Joe.
Went to the resort, relaxed, and had dinner in town (Coco Beach) at a some random steakhouse.

DAY SIX - THURSDAY:
We went to breakfast at the resort (Ocotal Beach Resort)
We then drove to a nature preserve to go on a boat tour, which was awesome! We got to see TONS of birds (herons, macaws, other random birds), crocodiles, and MONKEYS!!!!! They were so cute and came right onto the boat to eat bananas! I will for sure post a picture of them.
We then ate at this little restaurant and it was really good.
After, we went back to the hotel (after a quick stop at the supermercado) and went into the pools.
We had dinner at the resort, where the waiter was getting workout tips from my brother.

DAY SEVEN - FRIDAY:
We got up at the crack of dawn to head to Nicaragua! It was about a 90 minute drive to the border. Customs going between Central American countries is INTERESTING! Note: the bathrooms at customs is DISGUSTING. Avoid if possible.
We then drove to Granada, which is about 90 minutes from the border into Nicaragua. On the way, the customs officials let us know that we would be giving one of the police officers a ride to Rivas, a small town along the way. It was not a choice.
The small town of Granada was pretty interesting, since it is from Colonial times. Lots of older buildings. My mom said it looked pretty similar to El Salvador, which is where my Dad's whole family is from. We took a horse drawn buggy around the town and saw the oldest building (from the 1600's, I think) and a fort that was turned into a prison during the early 80's. That was pretty sad because we learned that there were political prisoners there that were held underground so that humanitarian workers wouldn't discover they were there and they were tortured and killed. They paved the whole thing over because it was so horrific. And to think that happened less than 30 years ago.
We had lunch at a cute little Nicaraguan restaurant, which was good. They also had clean bathrooms, which was a plus. We then went to a little market, where there were TONS of little goodies. I also saw a little kid pee on a tree while I was there.
Then, we went to this lake inside what used to be a volcano. That was pretty. There is also another lake in Nicaragua which is HUGE, but is so polluted that you can't swim in it, which is pretty unbelieveable, considering the size.
We headed back to Costa Rica and got stuck in customs AGAIN. This time it was dark and two customs agents just came to the van and opened the doors. Our guide, Miguel was inside at the time and we had NO idea what was going on! They just opened the doors and didn't say anything. I thought they were trying to sell us something, so I just kept saying "No Gracias" and hoping they would go away. It turns out they were just checking the car for illegal items (which we had none). We finally made it home, but it was a long, interesting day.

DAY EIGHT - SATURDAY:
Headed home early and landed in MN. It was sad.

Longest post ever! Hope you enjoyed hearing about our adventures! :)

One Year Ago

We had loss #1. Well technically it was yesterday, but only by 45 minutes. So there. I'm a little bummed, since we've come so far since then in some ways, but we're still in the same place. It sucks. Although, there were lots of things I got to do in Costa Rica that pregnant women wouldn't be able to do. So there.

I have lots of pictures and I'll post a play-by-play of our travels tomorrow, but for right now I wanted to throw myself a little tiny pity party.

Douchy Old Lady Sucks

I had another blood draw today. It did not go great - the old lady who did it was terrible! I have had my blood drawn at that place a whole lot of times, but never by her. I hope I never have to have her again. First, she harassed me about whether or not I was rH negative. HELLO!!! Read the chart!!!! I've had the rhogam shot before AND I've had my blood tested and typed there more than once. Second, my blood draw HURT and took forever. Third, I have a huge mark where she took my blood and I bet it's going to bruise. Fourth, she gave me a shot and that hurt, too. I'm sure that would have hurt regardless, but the douchy old lady made it worse.

There. Vent over. Now I wait for my results, which should come on Friday. Hmph.

Hormone Levels

I got the results of my blood draw on Friday and my hormone levels (aka: quant, HCG, or Beta levels) were only at 36! This is good news, since it means that my hormone levels are definitely dropping, and a lot faster than last time. I have to go in on Wednesday for more blood to check them again, but I'm hoping they're real close to ZERO! But, I also have to get a shot...BOO!!!

On Wednesday, I'm also getting a pedicure with my mom! So, that will be fun, since we leave for Costa Rica in only FIVE days!!!! Hooray!