Google is not my friend

I just googled blood thinners and the two most common ones for infertility (lovenox and heparin) both require daily shots!!! Yikes!!!!!!!

Preview : Human Pincushion

I had another Dr. appointment today. I had an internal ultrasound, from which they said there is about a 1 cm layer of blood built up. The u/s tech seemed concerned, but my Dr. didn't think it was anything that couldn't work itself out. So, at least that's good.

Here's the plan (for now): they took two vials of blood to test my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone levels) to make sure that they are going down and to test my anibodies because I'm rh negative. Next week I have to go in again for two reasons: to take more blood to test hormone levels again and to get another Rhogam shot. I got one of those suckers in Dec. 07 after my d&c. Lucky for me then I was drugged up and didn't really feel it much. I will not have that luxory this time.

What happens after that? Well, I will be monitored to make sure my levels go back to zero, then it's a blood clotting disorder panel, so full bloodwork to test for blood clotting disorders. Fun times. If something comes back abnormal, I will be put on blood thinners. I have not yet googled this, but it does not sound like a good time. If everything comes back normal, then we get to try on our own again. Is it horrible that I'm hoping something comes back abnormal??? Because then I feel like there would have been a cause to all of this. I've repeatedly said that I don't think I can do this for another year.

I guess we'll just have to take it one blood vial at a time.

Down 5 Pounds!

So one upside to not being pregnant is that I'm allowed to lose weight (and should)! Now, I have not so much taken advantage of this in the past, but I was feeling pretty crappy about myself in the first tri last time, since I managed to gain 7 pounds in 2 months. Great work. So, I've been doing Seattle Sutton Healthy Eating for the past 2 1/2 weeks and I'm pretty sure that I've already lost 5 pounds! Hooray! I'll get confirmation at the Dr. on Wednesday.

I have also been to the gym twice, which is two times more than I've been to the gym in the past 3 months, so that's good! I think if the scale goes down even more than 5 pounds that will be additional motivation.

Now, would I rather be fat and pregnant? Absolutely. But you take what you can get.

Drinking = Trouble

Or should I say Drinking = Tears. Because that's what happened to me as my night took a nosedive. As the beer pong ended, I was officially a mess. And then came the tears. I have no memory of what I was saying and I told Fred not to tell me. I do remember what I was crying hysterically about in the car, so I think everything was along those lines. I just kept telling Fred, "I'm sorry that my babies can't live" or something along those lines.

I'm super fun at parties.

It's almost the weekend!!

Hooray! I'm pretty excited that this week is finally over! I'm looking forward to next week because it's a short one! I actually have to work on Friday, but I don't think it will be a full day and it may involve shopping!

Today I found out that someone I don't like very much is knocked up. I'm taking it better than I thought I would, but it's making me mad at the Universe. I don't like that feeling, so I am going to have to work on getting over it. I think it's the same old argument - why someone else and not me? Except that I truly think this person should not be a parent, so that makes it a little bit harder to take.

I don't mean to be mean, it's just my opinion.

Nothing New

It's been pretty much the same old thing. I'm still bleeding, but only a little bit. I didn't schedule an appointment for earlier, so as of now our follow-up is next week Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I don't think they will see anything wrong in the ultrasound and now we get to talk about next steps. I hope that we can go to the RE soon! (RE=Reproductive Endocrinologist) I also hope that they do a full blood work on me so that we can figure out all of this crap.

I also hope that I don't get my period while we're down in Costa Rica! First because it would suck, and second because they usually do the bloodwork on cycle day 3, which means 2 days after you start your period. I doubt my body will figure itself out that quickly, but I'm still hoping it doesn't happen then.

I re-started my Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor, even though this cycle will be all effed up. I'm also re-starting to take my temperature every morning. It's really annoying and it's been nice not to have to take it the past 2 months.

Internet, if anyone is interested, I just might post my chart for all to see. Maybe.

Update: Doing OK

Well, it's been almost a week since I took the Cytotec. I'm doing ok - much better than last time, even though the circumstances were different. I have definitely had some down days, but those have been pretty mild to the ones I had last time.





I have a follow up appointment scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, but my Dr. said that if I'm still bleeding by Monday (which I'm on track for), then I should come in sooner and have the follow-up ultrasound and blood check. I started feeling really yucky yesterday and I was a little scared that it had to do with blood loss. They didn't seem worried about it and I did start feeling better last night. But it was a rocky few hours there.





We have our hotels booked for Costa Rica! I'm so excited and it will be nice to be out of town for the anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's almost been a year. Time goes so fast, but so slow at the same time.





While we're in Costa Rica, I hope we see some monkeys!

Just for Laughs

And since the post I just wrote is sad, here is something to lighten the mood a little bit :)

Another Monday

Some stats: it's been 2 weeks since we found out that our baby didn't develop, 2 days since the miscarriage actually happened, and I would have been 10 weeks today. One hope I have: that I don't follow how far along I would have been. I did that last time and it did not do good things to my mental health. I think I remember this one so well because I would have been 10 weeks on the 10th. But I also would have been 15 weeks on the 15th, so I guess we'll see how it goes. I need to STOP keeping track!

I decided to stay home today for two reasons.
1) I haven't stopped bleeding yet. I was really, really hoping that it would be done by today. It's not. And since this is a miscarriage as opposed to my regularly scheduled period, I can't use tampons (TMI). It's gross, but now I'm really, really hoping that it ends today.

2) I think I just need some mental time to process this all. I mean, we lost our baby. Granted, it never developed beyond the size of a speck, but it developed much further along than that in our minds and hearts. I know grief is an individual process and the time it takes looks different for everyone. I also know that I won't be done with it in one day. I'm not expecting that. It's just that I've spent a lot of time NOT thinking about it this weekend (which is hard to do, considering that the physical part of the miscarriage was this weekend), that I think I owe it to myself to spend some time on it, or it won't ever get better.

Fred is staying home today, too. I think if you asked him, he would say it's because he has a big paper due tomorrow and he also needs to take 2 days of vacation this month or he loses them, but I truly believe he just wants to make sure I'm doing ok.

How it all went down

Well, internet, we (as in Fred and I, but mostly me) survived our ordeal. And it was rather an ordeal. At the same time, though, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, since I was expecting near-death. Luckily, that didn't happen.

I took the Cytotec (I should clarify - I inserted the Cytotec. Yech) at about 11:15 am yesterday morning. I kept thinking that I was feeling something, but I knew it was too early. My ob had said that it would take about 4 hours. So, I just laid in bed and read a book and watched tv. Really, not all that different from any other Saturday.

I started feeling crampy at about 5:00. They were pretty mild at this point, but lesson learned: take the Percocet before you actually really, really need it. I learned this the painful way. I kept laying down and actually fell asleep through the start of the worst of it.

I would say that the worst of it started around 6:30 and lasted until about 10:30. I was in bed up until about 8. It was at this point that I went downstairs and there was a lot of blood (graphic, I know, but if you're reading this I'm assuming you can stomach it). I took the Percocet at 8:00 and it kicked in around 8:45.

During that last hour and half (9-10:30), there was a lot of blood and clots (again with the TMI). It was gross, painful, and disturbing. I think I passed most of everything during that time frame. During that last 30 minutes, though, I started feeling better and the bleeding slowed down. All in all, I only took one Percocet and two of the anti-nausea meds.

The bleeding today has been pretty minimal, which is good. I still think I might need another day for my mental health and to make sure that all the bleeding is done. I'm pretty sure (but don't actually know) that it will be over tomorrow and done by Tuesday. I think I might take a mental health day from work just to make sure I've worked through this all, but I'll make that call tomorrow morning.

As for next steps - I'm going to call my Dr's office tomorrow to schedule the follow-up appointment for a week from tomorrow. My ob said that we should do an ultrasound to make sure everything passed and discuss next steps. So, more info to come on that!

I'm just glad we made it through it okay. Fred did get crabby at me for spending too much money at Sephora. I guess I just can't catch a break.

Laying Low

I'm going to go take the Cytotec right now. Not going to lie - I'm scared of it and what happens next. I'm going to be lying in bed for basically the rest of the day. Maybe I'll make Fred go get me treats :)

I'll update once it's over.

The Plan

So Saturday is going to be the day that I take the Cytotec. I am going to get my prescriptions filled either tonight or tomorrow to be ready. I'm not looking forward to it. I can't remember, did I tell you all what my options were?

Option 1: Wait it out. I have not idea how long it would take and I still have a lot of hormones raging through my body. Option 1 was not an option for me.
Option 2: Take the Cytotec. My ob told me that it is going to be uncomfortable and pretty painful. I will have some severe cramping, so I was given a narcotic to help with that. Maybe I'll just sleep through the whole thing. I was also given an anti-nausea drug.
Option 3: Have another D&C. Which meant another surgery. The recovery wasn't so bad last time and she said that I don't have any scar tissue from the first one, but I'd rather not do it if I don't have to.

So, before I have to insert those tablets where the sun don't shine, I am going to head to the Sephora VIP sale! I have a 20% off coupon and I think it might be time to stock up on some fun makeup and other essentials.

Oh yeah, I'm also going to have some Diet Coke!!!!!

Over for Sure

Well, we got the news we were expecting at our Dr. appointment today. There was no progress, so we do not have a viable pregnancy. I mentioned in the post below that we have a blighted ovum. Since there isn't much tissue, I opted to go the medicine-induced miscarriage route and take Cytotec, instead of having the D&C (which is surgery again).

It totally blows that this is happening to us again. Our next steps are to schedule a follow-up ultrasound and appointment to make sure that all the tissue passed and to discuss next options. We're going to do some blood work and see if we can get any information as to why this keeps happening.

One thing that made me laugh: we got Ellie a piggy costume! It was on clearance at Target for $2.49. I'll post a picture once Fred loads them into the computer.

It's Monday.

And it's been one week since we found out our sad news. I decided to change our Dr.'s appointment to Wednesday, since I really wanted to meet with my own Dr. and not the PA. Nothing against her, I just wanted to talk about next steps in the same appointment with my Dr. She's great. I'm still feeling sick, but I'm trying to ignore it, since right now I feel like I'm being tricked. For those that don't know, I'm 99.9% sure that this is a blighted ovum. We'll get confirmation on Wednesday.

Other than that, we had a great time at Sarah and Jason's wedding!!! She was a beautiful bride and a great time was had by all. I know Ruth posted pictures on Facebook, but I don't know how long it will take for Fred and I to upload the few pictures our sorry-no-memory-card camera took.