Another Monday

Some stats: it's been 2 weeks since we found out that our baby didn't develop, 2 days since the miscarriage actually happened, and I would have been 10 weeks today. One hope I have: that I don't follow how far along I would have been. I did that last time and it did not do good things to my mental health. I think I remember this one so well because I would have been 10 weeks on the 10th. But I also would have been 15 weeks on the 15th, so I guess we'll see how it goes. I need to STOP keeping track!

I decided to stay home today for two reasons.
1) I haven't stopped bleeding yet. I was really, really hoping that it would be done by today. It's not. And since this is a miscarriage as opposed to my regularly scheduled period, I can't use tampons (TMI). It's gross, but now I'm really, really hoping that it ends today.

2) I think I just need some mental time to process this all. I mean, we lost our baby. Granted, it never developed beyond the size of a speck, but it developed much further along than that in our minds and hearts. I know grief is an individual process and the time it takes looks different for everyone. I also know that I won't be done with it in one day. I'm not expecting that. It's just that I've spent a lot of time NOT thinking about it this weekend (which is hard to do, considering that the physical part of the miscarriage was this weekend), that I think I owe it to myself to spend some time on it, or it won't ever get better.

Fred is staying home today, too. I think if you asked him, he would say it's because he has a big paper due tomorrow and he also needs to take 2 days of vacation this month or he loses them, but I truly believe he just wants to make sure I'm doing ok.