The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

You're damn right I'm an angry infertile. I am sick of the injustices of this "disease." I am sick of being a "victim." I am sick of seeing my sisters fall victim to this disease and listening to their stories and their pain.So if you're out there, this is for you:

Items listed in BOLD are things I'm "guilty" of doing.

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen

If you know what a cootercam is (AKA A Dildo cam:)

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!" (ALL THE TIME)

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC

If you know what an RE is

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case

If you can't wait to see the peak symbol

If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

I stole this from someone else's blog, since I felt like I was guilty of/had experienced so many of the above statements! TTC are Crazy times, friends. Crazy times.

Normal = FRUSTRATING

Well, internet, I don't have a clotting disorder. While under normal circumstances this would be a good thing, I was actually hoping that there would be a REASON, you know? Not that I was looking forward to giving myself shots every day, but I was looking forward to maybe having an answer to why this keeps happenening to us. But, nope.

What happens now, you ask? Well, we try on our own again. I asked the nurse how long and she asked me how long we had tried the last time. ALMOST A YEAR. She then said that we should try for three months and then foll0w-up. Ok, three months I can handle. More than that, not so much.

As of right now we're just waiting it out so that we can start tracking again. I'm on day 52 since the 2nd miscarriage. It's crazy to know that in just 18 days, it will have been TEN weeks. That's right, TEN WEEKS. So right now we're sitting at about 7 1/2 weeks since. It feels like forever. But I'm doing okay. Not great, but okay.

Merry Christmas!

Happy Holidays, Internet! I know I've been putting off putting more pictures in the blog, but I think I'm going to load them all into a photo website and maybe just post the link? I'm not sure. Anyway, no real updates here! I got put on a new project at work, which will mean 50/50 time on two teams. I'm pretty excited about it though, because it will give me everything that I was looking to work on!

Test results have not come back, and I'm not really anticipating them until after the holidays. Maybe the first week of January? I just want them back so we can get on with things already. Geez.

I got my necklace! I really like it. I'm wearing it right now!

I'm at work right now, but I'm probably going to leave early, which is nice. I'm not sure what we're doing tonight, but Fred and I will open presents together at home tomorrow morning, then we'll head up to Forest Lake to spend some time with my mom and brother. Then, I have to work on Friday and then we head up to Hibbing for the weekend. I will be home at a decent time on Sunday because I really want to get together with my friends from hs, since Jill will be in town!

I hope everyone has Happy Holidays and safe travels! I will leave you with this:

Costa Rica Pictures! (Part 1)

These little guys are called Coatis. They're pretty cute. I think they're from the same family as racoons - we saw one digging through the garbage behind a building!

Fred and I before the zipline!

Arriving on the other side of a 2,000 foot zipline! No lie - I was freaked out.

Fred taking video at the hanging bridges.


La Fortuna Waterfall!

Another Day, Another Blood Draw

For starters, Douchy Old Lady was back! She was equally confrontational about my labs, since I didn't physically have the slip with me (a slip I never received, thank you very much). I wanted to scream at her "READ THE EFFING CHART, YOU DOUCHY OLD LADY", but it was 8 AM and I was still kind of tired. She called my Dr. and finally gave in when she realized that this wasn't just Thursday morning fun for me.

Her blood drawing style was MUCH better than last time - it didn't even hurt! *Note to self - do not visit Douchy Old Lady in the afternoons*

Unfortunately, they took TONS of blood from me! I'm talking 7-9 vials of blood! I started getting dizzy, hot, and then my hearing started to go. She also told me later that I got really pale. Not a good sign for us Latinas. When it was over, I sat for about 20 minutes and DOL went and got me some juice, which was actually nice of her. Then she also had someone come and take my blood pressure because she was concerned. Touching, really. Maybe DOL has some hope after all.

Lab results probably won't be back for another 2 weeks, but I'll keep you posted!

On a side note, I'm trying to get the computer to upload our Costa Rica pictures, so you may get 2 posts in one day - Hooray for all of you!

Decided I Needed Something

I got this on Etsy.com. I really like it.

The HOPE infertility pendant

Description

The HOPE Infertility Pendant Necklace was made to signify the struggle of infertility. Pomegranates, a long-standing symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in color and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. The seeds also represent the multitude of ways one can build their family: natural conception, infertility treatments such as IVF, adoption, third-party reproduction, or choosing to live child-free. This pomegranate-inspired pendant is made out of hand-tinted resin with tiny seed beads and round red balls embedded inside. The word "hope" is engraved onto the back. Let this beautiful pendant remind you to always keep hope in your heart as you go through your journey to build your family. The components of this pendant are a sterling silver cup filled with tinted red resin. The resin is slightly domed, it is not flat. The pendant measures 25mm (just under one inch) in diameter.

The back of it is engraved with the word: "hope"

I Want to Move to Costa Rica!!!!!!

Costa Rica = Best Time Ever!

We had a great time in Costa Rica!!! We did and saw so much! It's a beautiful country and today Ruth and I were talking about moving there and sell jewelry on the street. It's a sound plan if you ask me.

Here is what we did! I will post pictures from each day once I load them!

DAY ONE - SATURDAY:
Arrived in Costa Rica!
Went straight to hotel by airport (Best Western?)
Had dinner there - typical Costa Rican Arroz con Pollo, YUM

DAY TWO - SUNDAY:
Drove to our hotel, Tabacon, about a 3 hour drive away. Lots of twisty, windy roads full of potholes!
Arrived at Tabacon and had lunch
HOT SPRINGS! They were awesome - hot water (like a hot bath or hot tub), waterfalls, slide
Dinner at buffet at resort

DAY THREE - MONDAY:
Went into La Fortuna for lunch at a typical Costa Rican place - open air restaurant with typical foods
We were going to just "stop by" the La Fortuna waterfall, but it turns out you can't just do that! It's a drive up a windy dirt road FULL of potholes!!! Then, you get to the waterfall and have to hike down to see it, which is basically a 85 degree angle down. But it was worth it!
We also went to the Arenal Hanging Bridges, which are suspension bridges in the jungle. It was really pretty, even if we didn't get to see much wildlife! It started getting dark, which made it a little creepy, especially when we found out the next day that the jungles have Jaguars!
Went to the Hot Springs again
Dinner at the resort's fancy restaurant

DAY FOUR - TUESDAY:
We had stopped at the supermercado (grocery store) and bought little breakfast snacks, so we just had that before going to...
The Zip Line! We took a sky tram up to the top of a mountain. Beautiful views all around! Then, we did two practice zip lines, which were only about 20 and 40 feet each - no problem. Then, we did the real thing, which was about 2,000 meters, which is about 6,562 feet. PLUS, we were about 600 feet above the ground, so it was pretty scary! I spent the time just praying to God to keep me safe. I'm not usually that type, so that should tell you something about how freaked out I was.
We then went through a mini-butterfly garden on the grounds and also had chicken empanadas for lunch.
We got back to the hotel and went to... you guessed it - the Hot Springs!
For dinner, we went back into La Fortuna and had dinner there, which was tasty.

DAY FIVE - WEDNESDAY:
We had room service for breakfast bright and early and they even wheeled in a little table! We had a typical Costa Rican breakfast with rice and beans and eggs and fried plantains.
We then went to the Hot Springs one last time before leaving to pick my brother up at the airport.
On our way to the airport we got held up in the middle of the road twice - once when a group of Coatis (like racoons, I guess is the closest comparison) and then again when a cow was attacking some guy on the side of the road to protect its baby.
We made it to the airport, though, and picked up Joe.
Went to the resort, relaxed, and had dinner in town (Coco Beach) at a some random steakhouse.

DAY SIX - THURSDAY:
We went to breakfast at the resort (Ocotal Beach Resort)
We then drove to a nature preserve to go on a boat tour, which was awesome! We got to see TONS of birds (herons, macaws, other random birds), crocodiles, and MONKEYS!!!!! They were so cute and came right onto the boat to eat bananas! I will for sure post a picture of them.
We then ate at this little restaurant and it was really good.
After, we went back to the hotel (after a quick stop at the supermercado) and went into the pools.
We had dinner at the resort, where the waiter was getting workout tips from my brother.

DAY SEVEN - FRIDAY:
We got up at the crack of dawn to head to Nicaragua! It was about a 90 minute drive to the border. Customs going between Central American countries is INTERESTING! Note: the bathrooms at customs is DISGUSTING. Avoid if possible.
We then drove to Granada, which is about 90 minutes from the border into Nicaragua. On the way, the customs officials let us know that we would be giving one of the police officers a ride to Rivas, a small town along the way. It was not a choice.
The small town of Granada was pretty interesting, since it is from Colonial times. Lots of older buildings. My mom said it looked pretty similar to El Salvador, which is where my Dad's whole family is from. We took a horse drawn buggy around the town and saw the oldest building (from the 1600's, I think) and a fort that was turned into a prison during the early 80's. That was pretty sad because we learned that there were political prisoners there that were held underground so that humanitarian workers wouldn't discover they were there and they were tortured and killed. They paved the whole thing over because it was so horrific. And to think that happened less than 30 years ago.
We had lunch at a cute little Nicaraguan restaurant, which was good. They also had clean bathrooms, which was a plus. We then went to a little market, where there were TONS of little goodies. I also saw a little kid pee on a tree while I was there.
Then, we went to this lake inside what used to be a volcano. That was pretty. There is also another lake in Nicaragua which is HUGE, but is so polluted that you can't swim in it, which is pretty unbelieveable, considering the size.
We headed back to Costa Rica and got stuck in customs AGAIN. This time it was dark and two customs agents just came to the van and opened the doors. Our guide, Miguel was inside at the time and we had NO idea what was going on! They just opened the doors and didn't say anything. I thought they were trying to sell us something, so I just kept saying "No Gracias" and hoping they would go away. It turns out they were just checking the car for illegal items (which we had none). We finally made it home, but it was a long, interesting day.

DAY EIGHT - SATURDAY:
Headed home early and landed in MN. It was sad.

Longest post ever! Hope you enjoyed hearing about our adventures! :)

One Year Ago

We had loss #1. Well technically it was yesterday, but only by 45 minutes. So there. I'm a little bummed, since we've come so far since then in some ways, but we're still in the same place. It sucks. Although, there were lots of things I got to do in Costa Rica that pregnant women wouldn't be able to do. So there.

I have lots of pictures and I'll post a play-by-play of our travels tomorrow, but for right now I wanted to throw myself a little tiny pity party.

Douchy Old Lady Sucks

I had another blood draw today. It did not go great - the old lady who did it was terrible! I have had my blood drawn at that place a whole lot of times, but never by her. I hope I never have to have her again. First, she harassed me about whether or not I was rH negative. HELLO!!! Read the chart!!!! I've had the rhogam shot before AND I've had my blood tested and typed there more than once. Second, my blood draw HURT and took forever. Third, I have a huge mark where she took my blood and I bet it's going to bruise. Fourth, she gave me a shot and that hurt, too. I'm sure that would have hurt regardless, but the douchy old lady made it worse.

There. Vent over. Now I wait for my results, which should come on Friday. Hmph.

Hormone Levels

I got the results of my blood draw on Friday and my hormone levels (aka: quant, HCG, or Beta levels) were only at 36! This is good news, since it means that my hormone levels are definitely dropping, and a lot faster than last time. I have to go in on Wednesday for more blood to check them again, but I'm hoping they're real close to ZERO! But, I also have to get a shot...BOO!!!

On Wednesday, I'm also getting a pedicure with my mom! So, that will be fun, since we leave for Costa Rica in only FIVE days!!!! Hooray!

Google is not my friend

I just googled blood thinners and the two most common ones for infertility (lovenox and heparin) both require daily shots!!! Yikes!!!!!!!

Preview : Human Pincushion

I had another Dr. appointment today. I had an internal ultrasound, from which they said there is about a 1 cm layer of blood built up. The u/s tech seemed concerned, but my Dr. didn't think it was anything that couldn't work itself out. So, at least that's good.

Here's the plan (for now): they took two vials of blood to test my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone levels) to make sure that they are going down and to test my anibodies because I'm rh negative. Next week I have to go in again for two reasons: to take more blood to test hormone levels again and to get another Rhogam shot. I got one of those suckers in Dec. 07 after my d&c. Lucky for me then I was drugged up and didn't really feel it much. I will not have that luxory this time.

What happens after that? Well, I will be monitored to make sure my levels go back to zero, then it's a blood clotting disorder panel, so full bloodwork to test for blood clotting disorders. Fun times. If something comes back abnormal, I will be put on blood thinners. I have not yet googled this, but it does not sound like a good time. If everything comes back normal, then we get to try on our own again. Is it horrible that I'm hoping something comes back abnormal??? Because then I feel like there would have been a cause to all of this. I've repeatedly said that I don't think I can do this for another year.

I guess we'll just have to take it one blood vial at a time.

Down 5 Pounds!

So one upside to not being pregnant is that I'm allowed to lose weight (and should)! Now, I have not so much taken advantage of this in the past, but I was feeling pretty crappy about myself in the first tri last time, since I managed to gain 7 pounds in 2 months. Great work. So, I've been doing Seattle Sutton Healthy Eating for the past 2 1/2 weeks and I'm pretty sure that I've already lost 5 pounds! Hooray! I'll get confirmation at the Dr. on Wednesday.

I have also been to the gym twice, which is two times more than I've been to the gym in the past 3 months, so that's good! I think if the scale goes down even more than 5 pounds that will be additional motivation.

Now, would I rather be fat and pregnant? Absolutely. But you take what you can get.

Drinking = Trouble

Or should I say Drinking = Tears. Because that's what happened to me as my night took a nosedive. As the beer pong ended, I was officially a mess. And then came the tears. I have no memory of what I was saying and I told Fred not to tell me. I do remember what I was crying hysterically about in the car, so I think everything was along those lines. I just kept telling Fred, "I'm sorry that my babies can't live" or something along those lines.

I'm super fun at parties.

It's almost the weekend!!

Hooray! I'm pretty excited that this week is finally over! I'm looking forward to next week because it's a short one! I actually have to work on Friday, but I don't think it will be a full day and it may involve shopping!

Today I found out that someone I don't like very much is knocked up. I'm taking it better than I thought I would, but it's making me mad at the Universe. I don't like that feeling, so I am going to have to work on getting over it. I think it's the same old argument - why someone else and not me? Except that I truly think this person should not be a parent, so that makes it a little bit harder to take.

I don't mean to be mean, it's just my opinion.

Nothing New

It's been pretty much the same old thing. I'm still bleeding, but only a little bit. I didn't schedule an appointment for earlier, so as of now our follow-up is next week Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I don't think they will see anything wrong in the ultrasound and now we get to talk about next steps. I hope that we can go to the RE soon! (RE=Reproductive Endocrinologist) I also hope that they do a full blood work on me so that we can figure out all of this crap.

I also hope that I don't get my period while we're down in Costa Rica! First because it would suck, and second because they usually do the bloodwork on cycle day 3, which means 2 days after you start your period. I doubt my body will figure itself out that quickly, but I'm still hoping it doesn't happen then.

I re-started my Clear Blue Easy fertility monitor, even though this cycle will be all effed up. I'm also re-starting to take my temperature every morning. It's really annoying and it's been nice not to have to take it the past 2 months.

Internet, if anyone is interested, I just might post my chart for all to see. Maybe.

Update: Doing OK

Well, it's been almost a week since I took the Cytotec. I'm doing ok - much better than last time, even though the circumstances were different. I have definitely had some down days, but those have been pretty mild to the ones I had last time.





I have a follow up appointment scheduled for the day before Thanksgiving, but my Dr. said that if I'm still bleeding by Monday (which I'm on track for), then I should come in sooner and have the follow-up ultrasound and blood check. I started feeling really yucky yesterday and I was a little scared that it had to do with blood loss. They didn't seem worried about it and I did start feeling better last night. But it was a rocky few hours there.





We have our hotels booked for Costa Rica! I'm so excited and it will be nice to be out of town for the anniversary of our first loss. I can't believe it's almost been a year. Time goes so fast, but so slow at the same time.





While we're in Costa Rica, I hope we see some monkeys!

Just for Laughs

And since the post I just wrote is sad, here is something to lighten the mood a little bit :)

Another Monday

Some stats: it's been 2 weeks since we found out that our baby didn't develop, 2 days since the miscarriage actually happened, and I would have been 10 weeks today. One hope I have: that I don't follow how far along I would have been. I did that last time and it did not do good things to my mental health. I think I remember this one so well because I would have been 10 weeks on the 10th. But I also would have been 15 weeks on the 15th, so I guess we'll see how it goes. I need to STOP keeping track!

I decided to stay home today for two reasons.
1) I haven't stopped bleeding yet. I was really, really hoping that it would be done by today. It's not. And since this is a miscarriage as opposed to my regularly scheduled period, I can't use tampons (TMI). It's gross, but now I'm really, really hoping that it ends today.

2) I think I just need some mental time to process this all. I mean, we lost our baby. Granted, it never developed beyond the size of a speck, but it developed much further along than that in our minds and hearts. I know grief is an individual process and the time it takes looks different for everyone. I also know that I won't be done with it in one day. I'm not expecting that. It's just that I've spent a lot of time NOT thinking about it this weekend (which is hard to do, considering that the physical part of the miscarriage was this weekend), that I think I owe it to myself to spend some time on it, or it won't ever get better.

Fred is staying home today, too. I think if you asked him, he would say it's because he has a big paper due tomorrow and he also needs to take 2 days of vacation this month or he loses them, but I truly believe he just wants to make sure I'm doing ok.

How it all went down

Well, internet, we (as in Fred and I, but mostly me) survived our ordeal. And it was rather an ordeal. At the same time, though, it wasn't as bad as I was expecting, since I was expecting near-death. Luckily, that didn't happen.

I took the Cytotec (I should clarify - I inserted the Cytotec. Yech) at about 11:15 am yesterday morning. I kept thinking that I was feeling something, but I knew it was too early. My ob had said that it would take about 4 hours. So, I just laid in bed and read a book and watched tv. Really, not all that different from any other Saturday.

I started feeling crampy at about 5:00. They were pretty mild at this point, but lesson learned: take the Percocet before you actually really, really need it. I learned this the painful way. I kept laying down and actually fell asleep through the start of the worst of it.

I would say that the worst of it started around 6:30 and lasted until about 10:30. I was in bed up until about 8. It was at this point that I went downstairs and there was a lot of blood (graphic, I know, but if you're reading this I'm assuming you can stomach it). I took the Percocet at 8:00 and it kicked in around 8:45.

During that last hour and half (9-10:30), there was a lot of blood and clots (again with the TMI). It was gross, painful, and disturbing. I think I passed most of everything during that time frame. During that last 30 minutes, though, I started feeling better and the bleeding slowed down. All in all, I only took one Percocet and two of the anti-nausea meds.

The bleeding today has been pretty minimal, which is good. I still think I might need another day for my mental health and to make sure that all the bleeding is done. I'm pretty sure (but don't actually know) that it will be over tomorrow and done by Tuesday. I think I might take a mental health day from work just to make sure I've worked through this all, but I'll make that call tomorrow morning.

As for next steps - I'm going to call my Dr's office tomorrow to schedule the follow-up appointment for a week from tomorrow. My ob said that we should do an ultrasound to make sure everything passed and discuss next steps. So, more info to come on that!

I'm just glad we made it through it okay. Fred did get crabby at me for spending too much money at Sephora. I guess I just can't catch a break.

Laying Low

I'm going to go take the Cytotec right now. Not going to lie - I'm scared of it and what happens next. I'm going to be lying in bed for basically the rest of the day. Maybe I'll make Fred go get me treats :)

I'll update once it's over.

The Plan

So Saturday is going to be the day that I take the Cytotec. I am going to get my prescriptions filled either tonight or tomorrow to be ready. I'm not looking forward to it. I can't remember, did I tell you all what my options were?

Option 1: Wait it out. I have not idea how long it would take and I still have a lot of hormones raging through my body. Option 1 was not an option for me.
Option 2: Take the Cytotec. My ob told me that it is going to be uncomfortable and pretty painful. I will have some severe cramping, so I was given a narcotic to help with that. Maybe I'll just sleep through the whole thing. I was also given an anti-nausea drug.
Option 3: Have another D&C. Which meant another surgery. The recovery wasn't so bad last time and she said that I don't have any scar tissue from the first one, but I'd rather not do it if I don't have to.

So, before I have to insert those tablets where the sun don't shine, I am going to head to the Sephora VIP sale! I have a 20% off coupon and I think it might be time to stock up on some fun makeup and other essentials.

Oh yeah, I'm also going to have some Diet Coke!!!!!

Over for Sure

Well, we got the news we were expecting at our Dr. appointment today. There was no progress, so we do not have a viable pregnancy. I mentioned in the post below that we have a blighted ovum. Since there isn't much tissue, I opted to go the medicine-induced miscarriage route and take Cytotec, instead of having the D&C (which is surgery again).

It totally blows that this is happening to us again. Our next steps are to schedule a follow-up ultrasound and appointment to make sure that all the tissue passed and to discuss next options. We're going to do some blood work and see if we can get any information as to why this keeps happening.

One thing that made me laugh: we got Ellie a piggy costume! It was on clearance at Target for $2.49. I'll post a picture once Fred loads them into the computer.

It's Monday.

And it's been one week since we found out our sad news. I decided to change our Dr.'s appointment to Wednesday, since I really wanted to meet with my own Dr. and not the PA. Nothing against her, I just wanted to talk about next steps in the same appointment with my Dr. She's great. I'm still feeling sick, but I'm trying to ignore it, since right now I feel like I'm being tricked. For those that don't know, I'm 99.9% sure that this is a blighted ovum. We'll get confirmation on Wednesday.

Other than that, we had a great time at Sarah and Jason's wedding!!! She was a beautiful bride and a great time was had by all. I know Ruth posted pictures on Facebook, but I don't know how long it will take for Fred and I to upload the few pictures our sorry-no-memory-card camera took.

Dr. Appt = Limboland

Well, internet, things did not go as I was hoping they would at our appointment. I got there, went through the usual girl-check-up and our OB was all for us doing an ultrasound. I was so excited. But, my excitement was pretty short-lived. In the ultrasound, we did not get to see our healthy baby. Instead, all we saw was a gestational sac and it looked almost empty. There was a small spot that looked like it could be something, but they couldn't tell. I should be 8 weeks today (as you all know), but everything was measuring about 6 weeks and 4 days. So what does this all mean? They're not sure. My Dr. isn't hopeful, but isn't ruling anything out quite yet. I'm going back next Monday for a follow-up ultrasound. Please send us prayers that this can still turn out ok.

I'm pretty upset, but I feel worse for poor Fred :(

Raspberry Baby!!!!

"Baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs, and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy."

Raspberries are probably my all-time favorite fruit!

Our Dr. appointment is in about an hour, so I will post an update this afternoon!

Weekends used to be fun.

It's not like they aren't anymore, but I don't enjoy them the way I used to. I feel like crap ALL DAY LONG. And, on Friday night I threw up for the first time - hard-core threw up. I know it's TMI, but I don't really care. I've been trying not to throw up ever since, but I've had some dry-heaving episodes.

On a side note, it's only 6 days until Sarah and Jason's wedding!!!! Hooray!!!! I'll be taking the Megabus on Wednesday morning, which should be pretty interesting if the dry-heaving and sick-feelings continue, since it means 6 hours in a BUS.

Also, we have our first Dr. appt. TOMORROW!!!!! If you read this, please send us healthy-baby-development vibes!

First Time at Work

So, I dry heaved for the first time at work today. I have so far been able to contain myself, even if it means I've had to do some creative breathing. This is how I feel:
But, I am SO EXCITED for Monday!!!!

I Love Ticker-Change Day!

We're now 7 weeks and the size of a blueberry!!! When I told Fred it was a blueberry-baby now, he said "Blueberries are big!" and I was thinking "Mmmmm. Blueberries are tasty."

We only have one more week until our first Dr. appointment and I can't wait! This weekend was a little rough, but I keep reminding myself that I would take the worst of my sickness from last time and times it by a hundred if it meant I get a healthy baby at the end.

Here is where the peanut is developmentally: Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Hello Bloat, Goodbye Pants that Fit

If you can't tell from the title, I'm bloated. Big time. Like it was on clearance at the gap.com. And you all know how much I love a good sale at gap.com. I've worn my Bella bands almost every day this week with my work pants (luckily a pair of my jeans is still ok buttoned). I didn't have this kind of bloat at all last time! I'm going to take it as a good sign.

I also ate my first beef hamburger last night for the first time in seven years. Yep, seven YEARS. And it was tasty at the time! But I think I've been paying for it ever since. My tummy is pretty upset with me and the thought of eating beef again is pretty nauseating.

I've also been tired like nobody's business! Yesterday at work, I was sitting at my co-worker's desk and had finished up chatting with her. But I just sat there because I didn't have the energy to get up and walk to my own desk. I also had that happen with the covers when I laid down for a while yesterday. I was cold, but didn't have the energy to pull the blanket up. Isn't that pathetic?

I know it's all a part of it! Baby's on its way to becoming a grape!

Dry Heaves

Pretty much dry heaves suck. I woke up at 3:30 am to go dry heave for a while. I also threw up for the first time last night before bed, which is probably just the information you wanted to have. I also dry heaved for a while this morning, which I'm now going to have to factor into my getting ready time.

On a side note, we're only a week and a half from our Dr.'s appt! I'm debating whether or not I call and ask for an ultrasound or if I think my Dr. will just have us get one. I'm not sure.

I saw this on the the nest boards yesterday and thought it was hilarious! Had to share :)

URGENT WARNING..........

ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON WEDNESDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

Sickest Day so far

Well, internet, I am not doing so hot. I wish that I could have stayed curled up in bed all day long! I've been nauseous, dizzy, VERY sensitive to smells, and have had a headache all day. I swear, I need to eat around the clock! I'm not hungry for anything in particular, I'm just feeling the need to eat! I told Fred yesterday that I'm starting to eat like a Hobbit! Take now for instance - I had lunch less than two hours ago and now I'm snacking on Chipotle chips, guac, and salsa! (Saltiest chips ever, btw) I have breakfast, then a snack, then another snack, then part one of lunch, then part two of lunch, then another snack, then a snack before dinner, then dinner. Lucky for me, I'm usually good with eating once dinner is done. So at least that's a little break. This morning I also forced Fred to drive to work, just so that he can come pick me up after work is over.

Also, I found that jolly ranchers do not help the queasies, like they did last time. The only thing that's been working so far are Altoids. It makes sense, though, since they say peppermint is helpful.

I also just realized that instead of chips, guac, and salsa, I could've had (should've had) one of my belly bars. They're probably way more nutritious.

Awww, I like this one better - a Sweet Pea!

Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Week 6 = Lentil Bean

Baby is now the size of a lentil bean! Which is substantially larger than a sesame seed, yet still tiny. We're two weeks out from our 1st o/b appointment and hopefully they'll give us an ultrasound. I'm still feeling yuck, so that's nice.

This is going to get interesting

It seems like the pukey-ness is mostly in the afternoons, starting right after lunch. I don't know if there is a trigger, or if my body knows it's about 12:45, but this is going to be an interesting first tri. I started to gag yesterday and high-tailed it out of work to take an early bus home - MISERY. I'm not really sure how I'm going to keep this a secret from everyone if I'm dry heaving in the PUBLIC bathroom!

On a side note, Fred and I started taking "belly shots" so that we can see how the baby is growing! I took one last week to showcase week 4 and forgot this week, so I'll have to do that today. Believe me, internet, you will not be seeing those pictures quite yet, since I come with a built-in tummy! :)

Could this be the start of something?

Right now I feel like I'm about to vomit. And, I'm really hot, but being hot and getting dizzy have been going on for the past week or so. But the pukey-ness is a new one. I hope that it means that baby is growing and is on its way to becoming the size of a lentil!

Week 5 = Sesame Seed

This is where we're at today! I just wish time would speed up. We have our first OB appointment in 3 weeks from today and it seems sooooo far away!

My baby, the poppy seed

Today my baby is the size of a poppy seed. Fred asked, "How big is a poppy seed? All I can picture in my head is a sesame seed." I told him, "Basically, a poppy seed is a dot." So, my baby is a dot right now. I love dot-baby!

Am I officially a nutjob?

So, does one really need to take a pregnancy test every morning after they get their first positive one? The answer in my world is YES! I have taken a test every morning, with the earliest on top (and the line is so light it doesn't photograph well) and the one from this morning on the bottom. At least they're getting darker! And yes, I am kind of a nutjob :)

Let's Try this Again!

So, my last foray into blogland didn't go so well. Obviously. So, in the past 5 months, we've had a lot of ups and downs. Many negative pregnancy tests and heartaches. BUT on Thursday morning at 10 days past ovulation (dpo), we had a POSITIVE pregnancy test! Yahoo! I've been taking them pretty much every day since then, just to make sure. We're elated. At the beginning of this cycle, I was actually able to start discussing my options with my OB. She suggested that we do an HSG (histosalpingogram) where they take an x-ray of your body as they shoot dye into your tubes.

My tubes were clear and she said everything looked perfect! They say that after an HSG, many women actually get pregnant, since the dye is like an anti-bacterial. I have to say I think that was a big contributor, but also because I was more relaxed because the next cycle we had a plan (start meds and do bloodwork). I'm good with whatever the reason was.

Here are some pictures we took, reinacting my reaction:

Looking at the test, just to see...

It's Positive!

YAY!!!!!

The Start of Somthing

I'm hoping that the title of this entry is the beginning of many great things. For instance, I need to go to the gym tonight. Will this title get me off my lazy dupa? We shall see...
Otherwise, what we're really hoping for, is a little one. After our loss in December, we're so ready for this. A little known fact: when you're trying to conceive (aka: TTC), time actually slows way down. Months and Weeks and Days and Hours take so much longer than they usually do. You're conscious of how many days it's been in the cycle, you start to know more about your body than you ever thought possible, and it's SOOOO frustrating!
I don't know what motivated me to start blogging, but hopefully I'll continue with it. I've been known to get too tired to do stuff. Hopefully, if I'm too tired in the next couple of weeks, it's because I'm knocked up! We'll see. One more week to go until we can test. Sigh.